Life is a sentence.
It has clauses, tenses, conditionals and a full stop.
My life is written in the 3rd person and is loaded with superlatives.
*****
FILM REVIEW: Looking for Eric by Ken Loach.
I happen to dig both Loach and Eric Cantona. Eric is boss in the film, smoking spliff n dat but at de end of de day, it took 3 coach loads of fat mancs to 'ave a couple of small time bullys off.
Cantona is the only manc player who I'll ever have time for. Like Maradona, Dalglish and Me...he had the ability to conjure up magic on the pitch.
*****
Little Ms Angry
The most beautiful blue eyes ever created,
Perfect lips,
Boss clobber,
And she played with her hair.
I called her strawberry,
Cos she was so sweet.
Czica was proper hip.
Exactly my cup of lapsang souchong.
Baby had a temper, but who hasn't?
People should be angry...
Naughty boy!
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Friday, November 27, 2009
and you cant get out for 25...thats if you're still alive...
Hairy Arsed Banditos upon the plains of cosmic dust
Ive rounded youz up and Im leading yez out of Babylon.
Im the scout kids, youz are all in wagons behind me clutching yer bonnets over yer kites to keep the dirt out. And dont let the youngsters hear l'hipster -U-'s rainbow lingo.
Filosoficaly speakin' n dat. Im keeping de arrows of de native people away from your camp. Just think about it. Theres no downer here, I dont have to live up to any forced expecatations. I've proved dat already.
I work for myself.
I am fooking outre.
Love me for it. Youz wont meet it again.
Cos if youz didnt get anything positive from dis youz wouldnt check it.
Im feeding youz lot.
Feeding youz good.
Im the only poet that you read, every fucking day.
Now go and nail a tie to yer throat and toe the fucking line.
Or not.
Its up to youz.
Meanwhile, beautiful women fall in love with me.
Ive rounded youz up and Im leading yez out of Babylon.
Im the scout kids, youz are all in wagons behind me clutching yer bonnets over yer kites to keep the dirt out. And dont let the youngsters hear l'hipster -U-'s rainbow lingo.
Filosoficaly speakin' n dat. Im keeping de arrows of de native people away from your camp. Just think about it. Theres no downer here, I dont have to live up to any forced expecatations. I've proved dat already.
I work for myself.
I am fooking outre.
Love me for it. Youz wont meet it again.
Cos if youz didnt get anything positive from dis youz wouldnt check it.
Im feeding youz lot.
Feeding youz good.
Im the only poet that you read, every fucking day.
Now go and nail a tie to yer throat and toe the fucking line.
Or not.
Its up to youz.
Meanwhile, beautiful women fall in love with me.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
lifers
Kidders
Youz couldnt get near how many press ups I can knock out on a whim.
And dont forget dat Ive rocknrolled more dan de lot of youz amateurs
put together.
No debate.
End of chat.
Jog on nobheads.
Ive given youz it all.
So what the fuck 'ave youz given me?
The time of day and dats fuckin hip.
If its all youz've got.
Tsch.
I expend more calories delivering righteousness and pooetry to the people of the world dan any udder beeyeng.
Imagine finding yourself in such an alley dat you had to constantly justify yourself as being one of Koreas most important expat bloggers.
Fuck. Imagine being proud of it!
Everyday such beauts have to find an angle on Korean sexism/racism/etc yaaaaaaaawwwn to flop out a load of garbage dat just incites more sexism/rasicm/ etc shite.
I had a glimpse at a few of Show's Korean links. Show la' you may as well just have one link cos dey are all de same. And they speak pure fuckage. Pure nothing. Pure amateur. Your main sap der may as well paint his arse orange with Gim bap nara on it for the amount of adverts he has on his site. Sad sack doesnt even write anything, gets youz desperates to write for him and reels in the advertising revenue for himself.
Sad.
No point not advertising on yer own site if youre just providing copy for some auld whopper to go whoreing in Pataya on the proceeds of your quill.
Get me?
Over here in civilised Europe, we get mash-up on the worlds finest fizzy, the streets are scented with the finest ganja aromas and the women dont squeal and pout and weigh you up for dollar.
Review a fucking restaurant. Why?
For Show,Scraggs,Dog,Fat Matt and all the others who refuse the open door of possibilities...heres yer open mic sesh...
Youz couldnt get near how many press ups I can knock out on a whim.
And dont forget dat Ive rocknrolled more dan de lot of youz amateurs
put together.
No debate.
End of chat.
Jog on nobheads.
Ive given youz it all.
So what the fuck 'ave youz given me?
The time of day and dats fuckin hip.
If its all youz've got.
Tsch.
I expend more calories delivering righteousness and pooetry to the people of the world dan any udder beeyeng.
Imagine finding yourself in such an alley dat you had to constantly justify yourself as being one of Koreas most important expat bloggers.
Fuck. Imagine being proud of it!
Everyday such beauts have to find an angle on Korean sexism/racism/etc yaaaaaaaawwwn to flop out a load of garbage dat just incites more sexism/rasicm/ etc shite.
I had a glimpse at a few of Show's Korean links. Show la' you may as well just have one link cos dey are all de same. And they speak pure fuckage. Pure nothing. Pure amateur. Your main sap der may as well paint his arse orange with Gim bap nara on it for the amount of adverts he has on his site. Sad sack doesnt even write anything, gets youz desperates to write for him and reels in the advertising revenue for himself.
Sad.
No point not advertising on yer own site if youre just providing copy for some auld whopper to go whoreing in Pataya on the proceeds of your quill.
Get me?
Over here in civilised Europe, we get mash-up on the worlds finest fizzy, the streets are scented with the finest ganja aromas and the women dont squeal and pout and weigh you up for dollar.
Review a fucking restaurant. Why?
For Show,Scraggs,Dog,Fat Matt and all the others who refuse the open door of possibilities...heres yer open mic sesh...
Monday, November 23, 2009
left right left right ... coooo-ey
Some gay lad got beaten up in Liverpools 'gay quarter' by a dozen or so feral north-end kiddas.
First of all, 'gay quarter'? I promise you that not a quarter of Liverpool is gay so get it right...Liverpools gay 1/15th. Im all about equality.
The gay lad was also a part time bizzie so you could say he deserved it anyway.
The reaction to the incident by the 'gay community' was so predictable...they organised a march. Man, these cats love a march, its all they seem to do. I cant understand why a load of gay men would want to gather together in a line, one behind the other in such a way as this.
I went to the Gay Pride event in Brighton, it was the first and only time that I've seen half naked grown men with actual real womens tits implanted into them. If a woman walked down the street like that she'd be arrested.
The press release on this march in the Liverpool Echo explained:
"...As well as being a show of defiance and solidarity the day should also be fun so bring along whistles, banners and flags. Garlands [nightclub] has organised an after-march party from 8pm that will include drag acts, X-Factor boys and a whole host of other stuff..."
Jesus wept.
I've been beaten up in Liverpool myself (who hasn't?), it was never regarded as a hate crime though.
I'm all for equality.
First of all, 'gay quarter'? I promise you that not a quarter of Liverpool is gay so get it right...Liverpools gay 1/15th. Im all about equality.
The gay lad was also a part time bizzie so you could say he deserved it anyway.
The reaction to the incident by the 'gay community' was so predictable...they organised a march. Man, these cats love a march, its all they seem to do. I cant understand why a load of gay men would want to gather together in a line, one behind the other in such a way as this.
I went to the Gay Pride event in Brighton, it was the first and only time that I've seen half naked grown men with actual real womens tits implanted into them. If a woman walked down the street like that she'd be arrested.
The press release on this march in the Liverpool Echo explained:
"...As well as being a show of defiance and solidarity the day should also be fun so bring along whistles, banners and flags. Garlands [nightclub] has organised an after-march party from 8pm that will include drag acts, X-Factor boys and a whole host of other stuff..."
Jesus wept.
I've been beaten up in Liverpool myself (who hasn't?), it was never regarded as a hate crime though.
I'm all for equality.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Stocking Filler
Chrimbo is coming...
...the Turkey is getting cruelly fattened to be murdered brutally and wrapped in plastic for all youz fat bastards with no class out there.
But lets not forget that Chrimbo is also a great time for the family. Its nice to spend time together and exchange gifts.
And dats where I step in.
Don't call me Santa, Im not doing this for free. Theres no fucking elves around here.
But what I am offering youz is the chance to give your relatives the perfect chrimbo gift.
All youz have to do is drop an Amazonian amount of vegetation into my bank account and leave me your chosen relatives name and phone number...
...and on chrimbo day I'll give them a bell and unleash a rare mouthfull of abuse at them.
L'hipster U. - The gift that keeps on insulting.
PS. Stings relatives are entitled to a freebee.
...the Turkey is getting cruelly fattened to be murdered brutally and wrapped in plastic for all youz fat bastards with no class out there.
But lets not forget that Chrimbo is also a great time for the family. Its nice to spend time together and exchange gifts.
And dats where I step in.
Don't call me Santa, Im not doing this for free. Theres no fucking elves around here.
But what I am offering youz is the chance to give your relatives the perfect chrimbo gift.
All youz have to do is drop an Amazonian amount of vegetation into my bank account and leave me your chosen relatives name and phone number...
...and on chrimbo day I'll give them a bell and unleash a rare mouthfull of abuse at them.
L'hipster U. - The gift that keeps on insulting.
PS. Stings relatives are entitled to a freebee.
Friday, November 20, 2009
The Bosscars?
Youz know when some sad male tit like Brad Pitt, the scottish luvie from trainspoting, the whopper I saw in 'The Last king of Scotland' the other night or Robert Deniro get loads of acclaim for acting an 'authentic role'. Like they've studied the people theyre trying to mimic for a few days. Apparently they call it method acting...fucking groan.
Well, I am one of dem people for real who beauts like this study and re-enact, and so are most of the people who I hang around with.
So where the fuck is our award?
Where the fuck is everyones chance to bleat on about everyone whos ever said a nice thing to them?
I never hung around in stage school trying to be famous. I just got on with the business at hand.
Youz know me.
And youz know dem.
*****
Ms. Rock n Roll Eastern Europe.
She wore a blonde wand on her dead head
She'd been driven by design
From bed to bed.
But she ended up in the shit end of town
When she was getting old and fearing the droop down.
She smoked cigarettes and exhaled in disgust at any compliment.
She had a light but she'd never met her match.
Fresh Scouse blood was an invitation she just had to take up.
So I lay down and let her walk all over me.
Well, I am one of dem people for real who beauts like this study and re-enact, and so are most of the people who I hang around with.
So where the fuck is our award?
Where the fuck is everyones chance to bleat on about everyone whos ever said a nice thing to them?
I never hung around in stage school trying to be famous. I just got on with the business at hand.
Youz know me.
And youz know dem.
*****
Ms. Rock n Roll Eastern Europe.
She wore a blonde wand on her dead head
She'd been driven by design
From bed to bed.
But she ended up in the shit end of town
When she was getting old and fearing the droop down.
She smoked cigarettes and exhaled in disgust at any compliment.
She had a light but she'd never met her match.
Fresh Scouse blood was an invitation she just had to take up.
So I lay down and let her walk all over me.
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